What if You Could Have More of What You Wanted?

“Sometimes I think I just want to quit my job and become a potter.”

I hear women’s inner dialogues about the tradeoffs they face all the time.

And one of the things I’ve learned from hearing these inner negotiations, these wrestles with reality, is just how often women force themselves into false choices.

We tell ourselves things like we can be good moms or have powerful careers—but I’ve seen women who decided that they would have both, find their own way to do it, even if it meant pushing against their workplace, finding a better workplace, or inventing their own.

It’s not a black-or-white opting in or opting out—it’s opting in on the terms you want—or at least the best you can get.

Which is usually more than you think if you’re willing to try.

These kind of black-and-white, this-or-that narratives are rampant in the thinking of women who do more than one thing creatively, especially when it comes to success, recognition, money and stability.

I need to stop playing and get serious about my career.

People like me, people who are creative, don’t make money.

I either choose creativity or stability.

And the problem with that kind of thinking—that opt-in or opt-out mentality for people with lots creative passions, is that we don’t ask ourselves how we can have more of all the things we want. We just accept that we can have either or.

We accept these limiting narratives about success and then opt-in or opt-out, choosing a pre-scripted path in which we give up the things that make us feel safe, or the things that make us feel like we’re growing. And then we load shame and blame on top of that—

I’m not disciplined enough to have focus.

I’ve sold out.

I’ll never be successful.

It makes us want to escape. It makes us want to lose ourselves in a fantasy-life, and Instagram-perfect picture that represents for us all the things we want, that we either left behind on the road, or feel like we’ll never access.

What if you didn’t have to choose? What if you could have more of what you wanted instead of giving up before you try?

What if you didn’t have to figure it out alone? What if you could learn from other women’s pathways?

What if you could stop that endless cycle of mind-chatter and feel good about what you’re doing in your career and with your interests and passions? What if you felt at peace, and energized?

Let me be frank—a successful multipassionate life doesn’t mean you don’t have to choose—it means you choose intelligently, strategically, what’s right for you.

This week I’ll be opening my next Accelerator program Double Vision which helps women with multiple passions set goals that respect their creativity—and help them achieve more success and peace of mind. I’ll be hosting a webinar on Ambitious Creative Goal Setting just in time for the holiday season when you’ll want to be reflecting on what you want out of next year. Join me on Wednesday, December 13th at 1pm EST.

What To Say When You Do When You Do More than One Thing

I saw it the moment she changed her mind.

I was sitting across from a potential client I was pursuing for my design consultancy, and I saw the moment I changed in her eyes—and I got refiled from an equity-focused design consultant to a womens’ empowerment coach.

In that moment, I wished I could just rewind the tape and never get on that conversational fork in the road that lead me to describe the other hat I wear—the one you all know me best for—teaching career advancement programs for ambitious creative women.

But it was so hard not to! My brain naturally wanted to go down that road—I think about women’s career advancement all the time, and absolutely believe it’s connected to designing more equitable places!

But when all is said and done, in that moment, a new contact—one who represented a big client and a potential big contract down the road—saw me differently, and I became someone who could help her think about how to advance her career, rather than a potential hire for their next big project.

We like things that fit in boxes. We like to know where to ‘file people.’ And we only have so much mental space allocated for people who aren’t, you know, us…… So when it’s hard to slap a twitter-length explanation of who someone is and what they do on them, we struggle to know what to do with them.

And there’s a cost to this. Because when we don’t have that ‘shorthand,’ we don’t think of them when opportunities come along that might fit them—when we launch that new project with room for their skills, or need a speaker for the event, or a person to lead the division.

Now this can be a big issue if you wear more than one hat. Because not only is it hard for someone to “file you away as a filmmaker/engineer/circus acrobat, but it’s also hard to sometimes know which hat you should wear in any given situation. And it’s tiring. Sometimes it feels like you have to move from one context to another, again and again.

I don’t think I’ll ever wear just one hat. Even if I were to run just one business, I can’t imagine a world in which I’m not painting, learning ceramics or taking an improv class in my free time. But after that client meeting went off the tracks, I decided I needed to be more intentional about my overlap and my approach. Here are the rules of thumb I developed.

1. Define what you’re looking for with each hat you wear. It’s hard to advocate for yourself if you don’t know what you want. Come up with one or two things you want most in each area—to be in a solo or group show for your painting? To be known for your expertise in a certain area in order to line up a promotion? Introductions to potential writing collaborators?

2. Decide which hat to wear with people beforehand. Before you meet a potential connection, or go to a networking event, decide which hat will be your primary hat for the day. Don’t overthink this. What do you think this person or group can help you with most? Resist the urge to feel like people need to ‘get’ the whole you. You are the whole you.

3. Always keep your other hats subservient to your ‘main dish’ at the time. If any the ‘hats’ you’re not currently wearing come up in conversation, make a game time decision—is this contact or context a better fit to get you closer to your goals for another hat? If so, switch. If not, make the other hat look like a subservient point to your main hat. “My improvisational dance? It’s useful to my writing practice, because it helps me write more convincing scenes from physical and spatial perspectives.” Or something you do on the side. “When I have a little time on the weekends, I love to forage for wild herbs.”

A multipassionate once told me that being one of those people who do only one thing “would be like cutting off an arm.” This isn’t that.

This is recognizing that you are multifaceted—and just like a jewel in a ring—only a few of those facets face us at any given time.

This is about you being intentional about what that facet is going to be, so that you can be present in any given social situation, without that distracting ‘who am I?’ mind chatter, and so you can set yourself up for the opportunities you want.

If you’d only just pick one thing…

In my mid-twenties, I got a ‘360 degree review’—that’s when you’re reviewed by the people all around you–who work above you, on your level, and below you.

At the end of this process, I got a fancy report with survey data from all those people and it was chock full of reflections and feedback–some of the nicest, most heartening feedback I’d gotten in my career. Yet it had one line I couldn’t forget.

“I think her potential is almost unlimited but she will have to focus her efforts. She may have to reign in her wide-ranging intellectual curiosity and set specific goals for the near future.”

From that day, my creativity, my passion, my multiple interests—which had seemed like assets, started to seem like something that was wrong with me, something that would keep me from success.

While all other nice things in that report faded from my memory, that one voice became the voice that repeated in my head, over and over telling me I’d never be successful if I did’t settle down.

And I’m willing to bet I’m not the only person who hears that voice in my head.

We get messages that having lots of interests is good for us when we’re kids, but something we should have grown past as adults. If we want to make it to the top, if we want to be successful, we have to stop following those distracting wandering interests and discipline ourselves. We hear it from parents, from partners, from bosses—and from the general culture we’re swimming in that says specialize, specialize. It becomes that voice in our heads, judging all that we do.

And it becomes one of our central narratives that permeates the way we think about our potential for success and failure.

We never know what to say at cocktail parties (of course,) and deep down inside, we really worry that our inability to narrow down has much higher costs than a little bit of rambling over drinks. We think:

“I need to specialize, or I’ll never get a good role on a big, important project.”

“If I don’t have one thing, clients will never know what to hire me for.”

“Don’t you need ‘a thing’ people associate you with to get recognized?”

Turns out, it’s not that we just have to finally settle down.

Tactics for strategic focus do matter, but the problem is that our inner narrative—that story that something is wrong with who we are, or that career success is just not for people like us, blinds us and harms our potential.

Strategic focus does matter, but it’s not the same thing as just settling down. And when we chose to ‘just settle down’ we oftentimes sign ourselves up for pathways that feel boring, and often don’t even lead to success—because we’re not engaged enough to hustle, because we’ve left a core part of ourselves behind.

Does this resonate with you? What’s your narrative? What’s the voice in your head saying?

Mia

Is Your Analysis Paralysis Holding You Back? Growth Hack #3

I’m writing this week about some of the ways I see women get lost in the crowd and slow down their career growth.

How many times have you seen a woman raise her hand timidly in a meeting… and then make a suggestion in that baby girl voice.. trailing off at the end into a question?

When that happens, here’s what we hear:

“What if we [this is a good time to zone out because this is just a filler comment] maybe, you know, changed our marketing focus [this must a bad idea because she doesn’t even believe it] from Live Journal to Facebook?” [hmmm…. Would it look bad it I took another cookie?]

Leaders make choices. They take positions.

Sometimes they’re wrong and sometimes they’re right.

But they’re willing to take a stand instead of dithering.

Do you dither? Do you hesitate to speak up? Do you have a hard time making decisions? That might be why you’re getting lost in the crowd.

I’m a reformed wishy washy decision maker….. Yes, of the paper-plastic variety. I can see all the possibilities—which is sometimes a great skill for a creative….but that knowledge used to make me get overwhelmed and frozen. Unable to choose. A

I was so, so afraid of getting it wrong.

But I unlearned that habit because I knew it was holding me back. And it not only supersized my career growth, it made my life better as well.

 

Read More…

Are You Too Exhausted to “Lean In?” Growth Hack #2

Yeah, yeah, you’ve heard the advice—lean in, lean in!

But do you ever think, that’s just so much flipping work….?

hughhhhh (exhausted sigh.)

Maybe you’re a working mom, working the ‘double shift…’ no, wait, it’s probably more like the triple shift—working a long day, coming home to take care of your family, and then logging in a few more hours at night. Or maybe you’re balancing putting in the hours while you pay your dues…study for professional development tests……and then go out multiple times a week to check your networking box.

I just got so exhausted writing this, I had to take a break.

But now I’m back…. With the second way I see women get lost in the crowd and slow down their career growth.

I see a lot of exhausted women come through Build Yourself Workshop…. And I see a lot of exhausted women decline to take Build Yourself, because they’re so exhausted they feel they just don’t have the time.

But I’ve also seen women break through.

I’ve seen the busy business owner take the time upfront to hire a project manager—it felt like she’d never make the time to hire—but once she did, it took less time than she thought to find the right person. And doing so allowed her to show up at 100% for the high-level clients she was booking.

I’ve seen the working mother get a promotion—and go home in time to be with her daughter. And she told me she had time to craft. To CRAFT? What working mother you know who has time to craft?

So what’s the secret? These women are working smarter not harder.

Read More…

Are You Getting Lost in the Crowd at Work?

Feeling like your career growth has stalled out?  Are you getting lost in the crowd? Stuck in the mid-career malaise, the sea of shiny faces at the bottom of the pyramid?

We all know the feeling of waiting to be picked….  And sometimes our careers feel that way—whether it’s hoping we’ll get put on the growth track at our companies, or hoping our dream clients will say yes.

Over the next few days, I’m going to be writing about some of the ways I see women get lost in the crowd and slow down their career growth.

One of those ways, is they look backwards and not forwards.

What I mean by that is that every day, at work, they behave like the person they are in their career now.

Well, duh? I am the person I am now, right? Are you about to get really meta on me?

Uh, yeah. Just a little.

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Confidence Hacks From Real Women: Kelsey

 

I’m excited to share with you some confidence hacks from real women who have put Build Yourself suggestions into practice, or created their own. Today’s hack comes from Kelsey who was struggling with anxiety at networking events and put a Build Yourself ‘hack’ into play–she pretends that she’s a host of the events she goes to, and approaches people with that mindset in place. From the outside–it just looks like she’s a friendly and confident person.

Read More…

Has This Happened to You? What You Lose from Self Doubt

Today we’re going to do a little quiz. Have any of these situations ever happened to you?

You are in a job that isn’t challenging you. You:

  1. Believe that there’s nothing better out there and you need to put in your time to learn from your situation in this job.
  2. Think about switching jobs and end up applying for equally unchallenging jobs.
  3. Apply to new jobs including some that feel like reaches.
  4. Apply to a number of jobs that you don’t feel fully qualified for, knowing that women consistently underestimate their value. Prepare for any interviews you get with mock interviews and practices that build up your confidence. Recognize that if you get rejected, it’s not a statement that something is wrong with you—you’re just not there yet.

You have a client that always asks for more than they paid for. You’ve finished the last revision round for them and they’ve asked for more changes. You:

  1. Feel that you need to keep the client happy at all costs and so you just swallow it, cancel your plans that night and make the extra revisions.
  2. Get pissed off about it, tell all your friends you hate this client and then do it anyway.
  3. Tell them you can’t get it immediately but you’ll do it.
  4. Let them know that the revision period is closed as per the contract, but you’d be happy to discuss adding the extra work for extra pay. You know you’re of value and upholding your boundaries only helps the client respect you more.

You have a new junior employee that you are supervising. You:

  1. Feel awkward about telling them what to do and avoid it.
  2. Hold back constructive criticism and do too much of the work yourself instead of delegating it.
  3. Give them assignments but find yourself expressing them in tentative language and upspeak… “Could you maybe make these revisions by the end of the week…?”
  4. Give them assignments but find yourself spending tons of time overexplaining what they need to do so that you are not a bad or disappointing manager and you don’t make their life or job too hard.
  5. Give them assignments in a firm but friendly way, make yourself open to questions but ask them to use their resources and intelligence to do whatever they can on their own, and give them honest constructive criticism that they can grow from.

These are real stories.

These are real situations that have happened to real women. What they share in common is that they illustrate the confidence–real inner confidence–is about more than just the hair flippin’ and swagger. Inner confidence is about having the mental state that allows you to address every situation that comes into your work life from a position of power.

Confidence is the #1 thing I see holding women back. For this very reason I created an inexpensive mini-course to help women deal with their inner critic and loosen its death grip on your happiness and growth.

Introducing Defeat Self Doubt
Defeat Self Doubt is a five-day audio course that will help you manage your inner critic and put it in its place. Designed for busy women, it comes with daily audio lessons (ten minutes or less!) and short daily exercises that integrate into your daily life. Defeat Self Doubt is the five day journey that helps you break through your doubts and unlock your potential, confidence and energy.

What women are saying about Defeat Self Doubt:

“During the course, I had hit a slump while working on a new project. Reflecting and acting on how my confidence was affecting my work made me realize that I still had a lot to offer and a lot of experience that I shouldn’t discount. I turned my negative energy towards asking for what I was worth, and I secured my first client! I also reached out to partners and now have meetings scheduled with them. One big takeaway was that we all go through the questioning and doubting ourselves so I wasn’t alone in thinking or feeling that way. It’s how I acknowledged these thoughts and took new actions that made the difference.

“I really really enjoyed this course! I was fairly amazed at how easily I could pin-point my inner critic and it felt really empowering to be able to notice that that voice “sounded authoritative” but that it was essentially a pathological response. I found that I could ease up on my anxiety just by noticing what was happening and using the strategies you suggested. Thank you.”

Ready for the change yourself? Get the course now.

Defeat Self Doubt

Confidence Hack #3: Make the Investment

When I first started my business, I found myself staring down an empty work calendar. I was totally unbooked–except for one tiny little workshop gig. I didn’t know how to get work, I didn’t know what I what I was selling. I had no clue what to say at cocktail parties.

I felt like an impostor.

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